


Is This It?

by wannabe9599



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Sad, but not super sad?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-05 20:44:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16374707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabe9599/pseuds/wannabe9599
Summary: All Jihoon wants is for Woojin to take him in his arms, to feel his warm touch. To have him tell him that this is just something they have to go through, that this is just a rough patch – tell him that they can still work through whateverthisis.





	Is This It?

**Author's Note:**

> For 2park week day 4!  
> Did not proofread, may contain errors.  
> 

“Is this it?”

 

The room is silent.

 

Jihoon stands on the far end of Woojin’s apartment, by the large glass window overlooking the busy streets of Seoul, his eyes are swollen and his cheeks are flushed. He bites his upper lip seemingly trying to stop himself from breaking down right then and there.

 

His eyes roam the room. The same room they had decorated three years ago, when Woojin had just moved in from Busan; when they had just entered university as high school sweethearts, when they had just started sleeping over each others’ apartments and doing even the most boring domestic things together. 

 

He looks at the secondhand sofa they’d bought together a couple years back from the flea market. And he remembers how it fit them so perfectly, how they both knew exactly after seeing it up for sale that it was what they were looking for, how they’d fall asleep in each other’s arms on nights they were too broke and too tired to actually go out. He remembers all of these sweet moments.

 

And then he looks at Woojin.

 

He looks at the caramel skinned blonde he’s so helplessly in love with. The boy he’s been in love with before he even knew what love was. The same snagletoothed boy whose kisses he could never get enough of, whose hands he wished he could hold forever, and whose eyes he’d gladly get lost in if granted the chance. 

 

But something about Woojin seems different now.

 

“I don’t know.” Woojin says back. He doesn’t look at his lover. He can’t bring himself to do so. Instead, he eyes the carpeted floor and then his feet and then his hands – he looks at anything and everything just to avoid the other’s gaze. Woojin purses his lips and lets out a quiet sigh.

 

“Woojin, you’re breaking my heart.” Jihoon’s voice shakes. The words struggle to leave his lips; there’s a lump in his throat and his vision’s beginning to blur from the tears forming in his eyes. He blinks, and the tears fall down his face. A cold touch greets his rosy cheeks.

 

All Jihoon wants is for Woojin to take him in his arms, to feel his warm touch. To have him tell him that this is just something they have to go through, that this is just a rough patch – tell him that they can still work through whatever _this_ is.

 

He just wants Woojin to tell him he still loves him.

 

But there are no familiar arms around Jihoon, no words to comfort him, and no Woojin saying the three words he desperately needs to hear. So he hugs himself tight as he wipes his own tears away. 

 

“Tell me what I did wrong.” Jihoon almost begs.

 

“Don’t do that to yourself, Jihoon-ah. You know this isn’t just about you. This is about us.” Woojin finally looks up at the boy. His once piercing eyes now exhausted. He tries hard to ignore it, but he still catches how there’s no longer a glimmer is Woojin’s eyes when he looks at Jihoon. The eyes that used to look at Jihoon with such awe and amazement now look at him with such pity. Jihoon scoffs.

 

It’s what hurts the most, Jihoon thinks. The way Woojin’s so transparent. It hurts Jihoon the most because he sees it happening right in front of his eyes, and no matter what he does, no matter what he says, he’s still so far away from him. Woojin’s so high up that Jihoon just can’t seem to reach him anymore.

 

“What? You think I don’t notice it, Woojin? Don’t tell me it’s about us, when I know it’s me. I know it’s me, because you don’t look at me the same anymore.” His voice breaks, and so does his heart. “You don’t look at me the way you used to. The way _I_ still look at you.”

 

Maybe if Jihoon had been more like Woojin, this wouldn’t be happening. Maybe if he had a passion like Woojin, an actual direction in life, a dream – maybe if he had all of the things Woojin had, he wouldn’t leave him. But Jihoon’s nothing like Woojin. He doesn’t have a clear set of goals. He doesn’t have a fixed future he wants to pursue. He doesn’t have all these well-thought through plans.

 

“I can see right fucking through you, Woojin. Don’t you know that? And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much to see you grow tired of me. Grow tired of _us_.” Jihoon musters to say. He brushes his hair with his hand and looks at the ceiling. He reminisces how Woojin used to tell him his being free-spirited was “cute” and indecisive “charming”, but now he just grunts at how long it takes Jihoon to make any sort of decision.

 

Woojin remains hushed. He doesn’t say a single word, and it pierces right through Jihoon’s chest knowing he’s right, because if he wasn’t, Woojin would disagree and answer back. He would immediately lay out his points, because Woojin never agrees so easily. So his silence meant yes. Yes, he doesn’t look at him that way anymore, and yes, he has grown tired of the boy. 

 

“Aren’t you even going to answer me back? Tell me I’m wrong?” Jihoon asks with such desperation. He looks at Woojin straight in the eye and allows himself to break, because he’d rather lose everything than lose his Woojin. But again, Woojin doesn’t say anything and doesn’t move. He keeps his distance from Jihoon and diverts his eyes to the ground. “Maybe, maybe if I were more like you, you’d stay. Maybe if I wasn’t such a lost cause, you wouldn’t give up on us just like this.”

 

“But you know what, Woojin? Even if I was so unsure of every single thing in my life – my decisions, my own emotions, my plans, my future – _I was so fucking sure of you_.” Jihoon says almost softly. His lungs are closing in and he’s having a hard time breathing. “You know me, Woojin-ah. I could spend fifteen fucking minutes picking out an outfit, or read a whole fucking menu twice and still not know what I want…”

 

“But I was so fucking sure of _you_.”

 

There’s a minute of noiselessness. The only sound came from the bustling streets below them. The air is cold.

 

Woojin finally breaks the silence.

 

“Jihoon, I loved you. I really did. I loved you so much. And I tried to make it work. I tried to fight for us, I just-” Woojin tries to say, but he can’t find the words. He chokes and tries to calm himself down. But he’s still sobbing. He covers his face with both his hands.

 

_I loved you._

 

_I loved you so much._

 

_Loved._

 

Jihoon recalls Woojin’s words inside his head. He can’t control the sudden pain he feels as he mouths and tastes Woojin’s bittersweet reply.

 

But as much as it pains Jihoon to have heard such words, it hurts him even more to see Woojin this way. To see him so destroyed. Vulnerable. He looks so fucking filled with guilt. And Jihoon despises it. Because he knows Woojin just told him the truth. The brutally honest truth. He doesn’t deserve to feel guilty for telling the truth.

 

That’s when Jihoon realizes that their relationship — maybe it’s just become too much for Woojin. Maybe Woojin did try to salvage what they had. Maybe he did all he could too. But, maybe Woojin could only do so much. Maybe Woojin could only _give_ so much. He could only give so much of himself to the relationship before he ran out and lost himself.

 

The older understands what he has to do now.

 

Jihoon sighs deeply as streams of tears escape Woojin’s eyes. He wants to run to him and wrap his arms around him and drown him in kisses, but he knows he can’t. He can’t anymore. He can’t because he loves him too much to be selfish right now. He knows he has to let Woojin go, because it’s what the other needs. It’s what Woojin deserves.

 

“I loved you too, Woojinie. I still do.” Jihoon answers almost calmly.

 

_I’ll always love you._

 

Jihoon walks close to Woojin, whose face is still buried in his palms. He finally allows himself to wrap his arms over Woojin before he feels his own heart shatter to pieces with his own words. “I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I have to let you go.” He whispers.

 

He hugs Woojin a little tighter. He closes his eyes and takes in all of Woojin. He tries to memorize his scent, the way his skin feels on Jihoon’s chest, his warmth – everything – because he knows this is it. This is the last time he’ll ever get to have Woojin in his arms. And Woojin knows it too, so he gives it to Jihoon. He envelops his arms around the other’s back and rests his head on his chest for one last time. And Jihoon can’t help but cry a little more. Because he knows he’s going to miss this so fucking much.

 

He’s going to miss Woojin so much.

 

But he knows what he’s got to do, so he breaks free and cups Woojin’s face with his cold hands. He wipes all his tears away before he gives Woojin a peck on the cheek.

 

Jihoon forces a weak smile as he stares into Woojin’s eyes. And then his nose. And then his lips. “I’ll miss you.” He says. 

 

_I’ll miss your smile. I’ll miss your laugh. I’ll miss your voice. I’ll miss your soft hands and how they feel feel on my waist when we snuggle in bed when the winter wind gets too cold._

 

_I’ll miss you so fucking much._

 

“My Woojinie.” 

 

Woojin breaks into a small smile. 

 

And then Jihoon gathers all the strength left in him he could muster and walks out the door. But as he reaches the elevator, his knees betray him, so he allows himself to fall. Because as much as he knows what he did was what Woojin had wanted, it still broke Jihoon. It broke him because he loved him too much. His whole body aches as his heart yearns for his first love. 

 

His first love and now his first heartbreak.

 

And so he cries until his tears dry; he tries his best to head home and just lets the noise of Seoul’s hustling city suffocate him.

 

"I'll learn to be without you too." Jihoon whispers to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a quote by m.b
> 
>    
>  _"I could spend 15 choosing an outfit, or read a menu twice and still not know what to order. You know I'm never sure of anything. But I was so fucking sure of you."_
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
